We all have a set of core beliefs which influence everything we do in our lives. They shape the way we dress, speak and behave, our body language and what we strive to achieve (or not) in our lives. Identifying and challenging the core beliefs which hold us back is vital in ensuring we can reach our full potential in life and be free from self-limiting beliefs and behaviours.
This article addresses what core beliefs are, gives some examples of common beliefs which develop in a narcissistic family, examples of how they influence us and how we can discover what they are, as they are not always obvious.
What are Core Beliefs?
Our core beliefs are our deeply held assumptions about ourselves, other people and the world. They begin to develop from the day we are born and then become ingrained in the way we think and feel. They shape all of our interactions with people and the world. We can think of our core beliefs as a pair of glasses we wear and through which we see life. They shape how we see the world and how we think the world sees us. We see life from our biases. Many of our core beliefs are not objectively true, but we believe them to so as they are our ‘reality’ and therefore they are ‘facts.’ This means they can affect our ability to see a situation realistically.
Common Core Beliefs of Children of Narcissists
Many people with narcissistic parents have certain core beliefs in common. They tend to have a negative bias and are based on worst-case scenarios. While these beliefs were well adapted to childhood they become a legacy system in adulthood where they no longer realistically apply except in situations where dysfunctional people may still be involved.
Here are some examples:
There is something wrong with me.
No one will ever love me. I am unlovable.
If people could see the real me, they would hate me.
Other people are more worthy, intelligent, capable, happy and deserving of love and a happy life than I am.
I am disgusting/repulsive.
No one believes the things I say. Everyone thinks I am a liar.
If I could just find the right words to explain myself to people, they would understand me.
If I tell people how I feel they will use it against me.
Don’t let your guard down.
I am bad and need to change and then life will all be good.
Everyone has to like me.
There’s no point in saying anything because no one will listen.
I want someone to come and rescue me.
I will strive to be the opposite of my narcissistic parent.
If people could look inside me, they would see something terrible and worthless.
I have value if I do things for others.
I am an outsider and I always will be.
No one can be trusted. People will always hurt me.
I am crazy.
I am ugly.
No one is on my side.
Love is conditional. I have to work hard to try and get it.
No matter what I do, it will be wrong.
How Core Beliefs Influence Us
Examples of how core beliefs affect our behaviour:
‘There is something wrong with me,’
will mean that we will hesitate to hold people accountable. For example, if we have a conflict with someone or are criticised, we will assume there is something wrong with us, that we are the cause of the issue and the one to blame. This may not be the case.
‘No one will ever love me. I am unlovable,’
will mean that we will have lower expectations of how we want to be treated by others. We may be insecure and jealous. We may end up driving someone away as we are emotionally up and down. Our need to avoid both intimacy and abandonment at the same time can be difficult for others to understand and manage. We may orchestrate the end of a relationship as that can feel less painful than being left and can soothe feelings of being powerless.
‘If people could see the real me, they would hate me,’
will mean that we may monitor all that we say and do. We will feel unable to be ourselves. We may be aware that we are chameleon-like and that we adapt ourselves to being like the people we are around. We may go along with other people’s interests and follow what they do. We may ruminate over all the conversations we have and decide what we should have done and said differently as we imagine we have upset or irritated others.
‘I will strive to be the opposite of my narcissistic parent,’
will mean that we may overcompensate in some ways and go too far in the opposite direction. We are likely to have levels of narcissism which are too low (healthy narcissism is needed to be able to get our needs met and live a successful life). We will put our own needs last and perhaps view doing things for ourselves and thinking about ourselves as self-indulgent and selfish. We will often feel guilty when doing things for ourselves. Many children of narcissists make the decision to be the opposite of their narcissistic parent at a young age.
‘No one can be trusted. People will always hurt me,’ and, ‘I am an outsider and I always will be,’
will mean that we will build a wall around ourselves that keeps others out, but which also keeps us isolated. We will second guess what people really mean and not take what they say at face value. We will find it hard to build relationships and we will be ready to cut others off at what seems like the first sign of them hurting us or if we see anything that looks like they are rejecting us in some way. Being alone can feel much safer than being around others. The price we pay for that is often loneliness.
‘I want someone to come and rescue me,’
will mean that we are waiting for someone outside of us to fix things in our lives. This thought can be present in us from a very young age. It is wishful, hopeful fantasising and it can stop us from doing what we need to do which is to ‘rescue’ ourselves. Our wish to be rescued can mean that we often get us into situations which are not good for us as we look to others for help. We may be in unhealthy relationships or have unrealistic expectations of how a partner needs to make us feel.
How can we Discover our Core Beliefs?
Discovering Core Beliefs Through Our Behavioural Patterns
We need to work out what our patterns of behaviour are and then work out what core beliefs drive those behaviours.
Joshua and Shopping
For example, Joshua (a fictional character), who has a narcissistic father, is in Curry’s (an English electronic retailers), trying to buy a television. He spends four hours looking at every model but feels frozen in deciding which one is the best. Should he buy a cheaper one as he feels spending a lot of money is ridiculous or will this mean the TV won’t last as long and he will end up spending money again and then he will feel stupid as he should have just got a more expensive one in the first place? He wanders around from TV to TV and the pressure to make a decision gets more intense as he assumes the staff will be wondering why he is taking so long and think badly of him.
On reflection, Joshua realises that when he went to buy a sofa recently he had the same experience. He tried out every sofa in the shop and spent hours feeling anxious and slightly panicked about which one he should buy. He realises he has a pattern of behaviour and wonders why.
Joshua realises he struggles to make decisions and often tries to avoid making them where possible. If it is unavoidable then he notices that he feels very uncomfortable when he has to make a decision. He may think, ‘That’s just what I am like!’ but actually, if we regularly behave in a certain way that does not seem to make sense or that we don’t understand, this can be a clue that there may be one or more core beliefs which are driving and influencing our behaviours.
There may be core beliefs of:
- I always get judged badly for whatever I do/I always do everything wrong/I might make a mistake – from a deep-seated fear of judgment and criticism and being put on the spot (an expectation that whatever he does will be found fault with).
- I don’t like attention – from a fear of what attention from others may bring, like jealousy.
It can also be the case that as an adult child of a narcissist, Joshua does not know himself very well and does not know what he likes. There is often also be a fear of knowing ourselves. Some or all of these fears may be triggered while shopping and this creates a state of indecision and anxiety.
Joshua and Avoiding Crowds
Joshua may also notice that he walks down the quieter back streets rather than busy main roads whenever he can and he avoids going to the shops at busy times. He goes for walks in nature when he knows it will be quieter.
This can be restrictive for Joshua as it means he can only go to the shops or for a walk at certain times as plans his life around avoiding people. If he questions why he does this he may find that it is a fear of being around other people that drives this behaviour.
There may be core beliefs of:
People are dangerous and I need to avoid them – Joshua doesn’t feel safe around others or able to trust others.
People will see how bad I look – children of narcissists are often on the body dysmorphia spectrum.
If we don’t understand what core beliefs drive and influence us then we can’t understand and then change our behaviours.
Discovering Core Beliefs Through The Sensations in Our Bodies
We may be able to work out what our core beliefs are from our bodily sensations and reactions. This can be difficult as we may be aware of some of the physical feelings in our bodies but we are often likely to find that we are zoned out and numbed out from ourselves. We may largely live in our heads and life may feel more intellectual and we may be quite disconnected from the neck down. Disconnection is part of a person’s defences. We tune out from ourselves so then we must learn to reverse that process and tune into our bodies.
We can focus on our 5 senses to start to bring the world into more focus. What can I see, hear, touch, taste or smell?
We can pay attention to when we feel any anxiety, or a knot in the stomach, and ask what our bodies are telling us. The following sensations can be indicators of triggered states:
anxiety
a knot in the stomach
emptiness in the chest
foggy mind
skin crawling
spaced out
limp
stiff
twitchy
trembling
wobbly
zoned out
suffocated
stifled
tense
quivery
nauseous
prickly
Discovering Core Beliefs Through Our Thoughts
If we regularly have thoughts about ourselves such as “I never get things right,” or “I am useless,” or “I am crazy,” we can learn to question them rather than taking them to be a fact.
We can ask ourselves – is this an opinion, a thought, a feeling or a fact? We can then develop a habit of naming what is going on for us – and become more aware of what we think and why we might be thinking it.
“I never get things right” can become “At the moment I am thinking that I never get things right.”
“I am useless” can become “I am having a thought that I am useless.”
We can notice if we hold ourselves to a certain standard but not other people, this can show there is cognitive dissonance which is the psychological tension that occurs when one holds mutually exclusive beliefs or attitudes. Maybe we have to be perfect but others don’t or its fine for others to rest but if we do we consider ourselves lazy.
Discovering Core Beliefs Through Our Emotions
We can be aware of what emotion we feel and then question if it is appropriate or proportionate. Is it a triggered emotion?
For example, if a person is rarely sick but when they are they feel a huge amount of guilt which then pushes them into working – this can be questioned. Why is there a feeling of guilt? It is normal to be sick and to take a day off to look after ourselves without feeling guilty. Some core beliefs in this case might be:
- I can’t let people down
- People will be angry if I don’t do what they need and there will be bad feeling towards me
- I will get sacked if I take time off
- My boss won’t believe me and will think I am a liar
- I am selfish if I take time off
With our emotions we can begin to think in terms of identifying the emotion and saying to ourselves, “I am having the feeling of being guilty right now.” This helps us to put some distance between ourselves and our emotions so we can learn that we do not have to ‘become’ the emotion. The emotion is something that will pass and does not necessarily have to be acted upon.
Discovering Core Beliefs Through Our Body Language
We can become more aware of the way we hold ourselves, are we straight backed or do we have hunched shoulders? Do we struggle to maintain eye contact with other people? Do we make repetitive, agitated movements? We may be telling other people with our body language that we are not a threat by being appeasing. We may signal our stress and nervousness. Repetitive movements, known as psychomotor agitation, such as pacing, fidgeting or repeatedly moving our legs may mean our body is in a flight state or is releasing anxiety. This can be a subconscious automatic process.
The core beliefs will be something like; the world is not safe, people are dangerous, I don’t feel safe, I feel inferior, I need to make people feel superior or similar.
How can we Change our Core Beliefs?
What do Healthy Core Beliefs Look Like?
Healthy core beliefs are based on the positives and negatives that exist in the world in a balanced and realistic way. Here are some examples:
A lot of people are trustworthy and won’t hurt me. Some are not trustworthy. I can avoid people who are unhealthy.
Conflicts can be sorted out and resolved.
I do not always have to give in to what other people want if it doesn’t work for me.
I can cope with whatever comes my way.
I am allowed to have and express opinions.
I can set healthy boundaries with people.
The world can be a dangerous place but I am safe most of the time.
There is joy and love to be found in life as well as suffering.
Other people are willing to help me if I need it.
Things are stable, safe and predictable for much of the time.
I accept myself just the way I am.
I feel like I belong in the world.
Relaxing and taking time to do what I like is normal.
Challenging Our Unhealthy Core Beliefs
Once we have identified an unhealthy and limiting core belief we can then challenge it and thereby rewire our brains with neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is the ability of the brain to adapt physically to new information and grow new neural pathways. It is how we learn. The brain can form new neurons (any of the impulse-conducting cells that constitute the brain, spinal column, and nerves in vertebrates) make new connections and rearrange or delete existing neurons. This means that a person always has the ability to literally ‘change their mind.’ The brain continues to adapt and rewire itself throughout our lives and the brain structure can change significantly.
Saying The Opposite
When we identify a core belief we can then challenge it by saying the opposite, for example,
I am unlovable can become I love myself
I am worthless can become I am worth something/a lot
or if that feels too uncomfortable or unbelievable to think or say we can tone it down by saying something like:
I am not unlovable or I am not worthless until we feel more comfortable with saying the more positive version.
I am lost and scared can become I am found and safe.
Finding out what our core beliefs are and challenging them is a vital part of recovering and deprogramming ourselves from trauma. Good luck.
