How the Fear of the Self Develops
A child of a narcissist will often develop a fear of their own self. Beliefs develop in the early years which become deeply ingrained of there being something defective, unworthy, unlovable and bad about them, “If someone really knew me they would reject me.”
This fear of the self is rooted in the fear of abandonment and the fears of being rejected, punished and humiliated.
Narcissists emotionally neglect their children and punish or ignore them when they try to assert their will and self-actualise (become their real independent self). This is very frightening and confusing for a young child. Consequently, often during childhood and then into adulthood, when a child of a narcissist’s real self wishes to assert itself, the fear of abandonment is triggered automatically (and may be felt consciously or unconsciously). This then modifies the person’s behaviour.
The Behavioural Cycle
This results in a behavioural cycle;
- There may be an urge to do something for the self
- then there is an emotional reaction to that, which may or may not be felt consciously (i.e., anxiety, panic, guilt, despair). This is known as the abandonment depression
- and this uncomfortable bodily response, which signals danger, triggers the person back into a defence, like people pleasing for example, where we put another’s needs above our own.
Self-actualisation equals Abandonment Depression equals Defence
Avoiding the Self
Hours can be spent in addictions and avoidance of reality by ‘acting out’. To act out means to carry out behaviours which are usually self-destructive and may involve drugs, alcohol, running away or confrontations with the authorities such as the police. The acting out serves the purpose of dissipating the subconscious uncomfortable feelings in a way that does not involve having to directly acknowledge them or face them as they are too painful, and those feelings are buried for a reason.
They will remain buried until the individual is in a safe enough place in life to be able to deal with them and a good therapist may be helpful.
Children of narcissists may struggle with the ego functions of reality perception, impulse control, frustration tolerance and stable ego boundaries. These are developed up to the age of three by successful separation from the mother and individuation (this is when a person gains a clearer sense of self that is separate from his parents and others around him). This arrested ego development means that the child of the narcissist relies upon the primitive defence mechanisms of denial, clinging, avoidance, distancing, projection and acting out.
A child of a narcissist will avoid triggering the fear of the abandonment depression by avoiding asserting themselves and expressing their wishes and therefore they do not activate their unique personality. The rejection of their real self by the parent/s is intolerable and painful.
The price to be paid for feeling safe is their submission to the narcissistic parent’s will.
n.b. a person can also fight and rebel in many ways in life as well as submitting.
Overcoming the Fear of the Self
We can overcome the fear of the self through self-development and/or by having therapy. Please see healing from narcissistic abuse here.
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Spot on.